My love

I thought the pain and loss I felt when you died, when I saw the light die in your eyes and your beautiful body slumped sideways, suddenly and terrifyingly empty, and realised that you, THE one, the love of my life, had left me, not willingly, fighting all the way, and the stupid, stupid guilt I felt because I couldn’t help you, save your life, bring you back to me, could not get any worse.

I was wrong

Yes, that was intense, it took all my strength and courage to deal with it, but I made it, and I think you would be pleased, even proud, of how I did it, and how I brought your friends and family together to celebrate and pay tribute to you.

3 months down the line, every day rubs salt in the wound left by your absence, every day it gets harder. Its not the big stuff, it’s the small every day stuff

I miss the word play, the silliness, the shared private jokes and language we shared

I miss not being able to message you silly images or incidents from my day that will make you laugh

I miss you doing the same for me.

I miss just catching your eye and sharing a private moment when we were out and about

I miss waking up and bringing you covevfe and a kiss in the morning

I miss sneaking up behind you in the bat cave and wrapping my arms around you and feeling how you lift your shoulders, smile and tip your head back to kiss me

I miss hearing the caressing tone in your voice when you say ‘my love’ and the smile and glow in your eyes every time

I miss you telling me every day that you loved me

I miss hearing your voice, even when it was just a deep rumble in the batcave when you were talking to Rik and I was upstairs in bed

I miss the sound of you playing your guitar(s)

I miss walking hand in hand, always, my left hand tucked in yours, in your coat pocket if it was cold

I miss curling up against you on the sofa

I miss feeling your arms wrapped round me

I miss that feeling of being where I belong when I lie in your arms and hear your heart beat strong and steady

I miss the warmth of your presence next to me in bed and how any nightmare was chased away just knowing you were there.

I even miss your snoring my love.

I miss that feeling of safety, security and wellbeing that just being in your company gave me

I miss how you could always calm me down, chase away the demons, lift me when I was struggling

I miss your calmness, your unconditional love and support, your humour, your strength facing so much adversity

I miss having a reason to rush home from work

I miss a having reason to check my makeup to look my best for you when I got home, even though you told me I always looked beautiful to you, and looked like you meant it (despite cold sores, greasy hair and a massive zit on my nose at times )

I miss watching F1 and MotoGP with you, shouting at Crofty in unison, I still watch it, but some of the passion has gone because you aren’t here to bounce comments off and share your encyclopaedic knowledge

I miss seeing you on line as a reassuring green button on my laptop and phone, just telling me you are there

I miss you

I miss you so much, and every day that goes by, I miss you more and it hurts more.