“I have a headache so i’m going home, sorry” i say as i leave the staff Christmas do

Awww, have you taken anything for it?

Yes, paracetamol, ibuprofen and codeine… not touching it

So it’s a migraine?

No

See you next week they say…….

8 days later

I still have a headache… i can feel the eyes rolling …. it’s only a headache after all, not a migraine or anything really bad….

Except, maybe i should have clarified… not a headache… a head pain that is consuming my days

It starts with a sudden burning sensation in one particular spot on the right, top, mid place of my head, which then penetrates … feels like a red hot poker is being pushed through my head, feels bruised to touch… it intensifies, to the point i want to bang my head against a wall to give me a different pain to focus on… then it fades after about 20 minutes…. and comes back at unpredictable intervals several times a day.

Then the pain at the base of the skull starts…. someone is drilling in and upwards, and it hurts…. it synchs with the poker in my head…. and because the pain makes me tense up, my back and shoulders feel like they are on fire, and the muscles are rigid and painful to touch, and pain relief gels don’t touch it (doesn’t stop me trying, out of desperation)…and ….it fades, and i feel human and almost euphoric with relief for a while…. and then we start all over again…. and all the time, it’s ‘just a headache’  and i’m still at work, still functioning.

This is the second time in just over a month, but last time it only lasted 5 days

And now, deep joy, the doc has given me tablets (at least she agrees it’s not a migraine) that should relieve what she diagnoses as a neuro pain, but *may* cause depression and/or suicidal thoughts… in a bereaved woman struggling with depression… actually, no, only mild, not serious, just permanent verge of tears, can’t be arsed with anything feelings.. maybe i should rename it as extreme sadness …I have people i love who suffer from real, horrible debilitating clinical serious depression, and there is no way i draw parallels between my self pity and what they are going through.

But  Christmas is a trigger time  … and it could take them 2 to 3 weeks to work anyway ….not that she bothered to tell me any of this.

And the pain has been slowly fading across this evening, fingers crossed for no return, pre tablet taking, as i thought it might..

So, my dilemma is…

If there is an emerging pattern here, somewhere around the 11th of January, this will come back, and i have an important and stressful event on the 14th, and i can’t bear the thought of going through it with this head pain … but there is no guarantee the tablets will work anyway….

I think of myself as a strong person, always have, but an emotional collapse last year showed that i’m weaker than i thought, and whilst the depression thing in the contra-indications is a ‘maybe’ it is making me think hard…

So i wrote this at 7pm….. and now it’s coming up to 10, and the bastard poker is back in my head, so i’ve taken the tablet.

Apparently they also make you drowsy for up to 12 hours… work tomorrow should be fun *packs small pillow for desktop*

G’night all xxxxx